You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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