We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My feet surprised me
Randomize