Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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