my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The Olympian is in my bed
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