I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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