if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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