one word: firstdatebathroomanal
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I would fuck him just for his dog
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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