I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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