her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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