At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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