he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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