John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
