Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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