which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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