Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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