I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
