im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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