Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
