If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
