somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wish I only lived at night.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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