There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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