you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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