I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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