i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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