dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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