i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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