If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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