All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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