I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
