don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
