you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
