she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
