I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
