What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
