So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
