My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
