Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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