i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
