maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
