winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
