My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
