I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
