so explain again why im purple
no
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
