At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
