The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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