Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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