I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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