Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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