never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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