you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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