There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i think my mom watched the whole time
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
