Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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