i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
