I accidentally had phone sex last night
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
