3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
