you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
