Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
